But then there are other times, times that shine like all the stars of the galaxy. Times when I can laugh and not be afraid, or when I know that nobody’s looking at me and judging or plotting. Times that make me forget history and erase the scars from my body and the blackness from my soul. These are the times that stop me from taking a gun and blowing my fucking brains all over some wall.
Too bad those times are so hard to find.
Used to be I could grab a beer with the guys at the precinct and just have a good time knowing that tomorrow we’d all risk our lives again to protect Puckworld. That was fine, in fact, that was just the way we all liked it.
No one there cared about who you were before you were a cop. They just knew they either liked you or they hated you, but either way they respected what you did on the force.
Then I could go home to Lita and she would make that pasta I loved so damn much. After that I’d take her in my arms and we’d make love until I thought I would die of pleasure. I could have spent the rest of my life looking at her face, afterwards, as she lay there asleep in the moonlight. The way it was so gentle and never angry, no matter how hard my being a cop was for her.
Out of all the things I gave up for the war, Lita is the one that I miss the most. Her eyes, the perfect mix of grays and blues, haunt me every night in my dreams. I could go to her and she would make everything all right by just looking at me with those beautiful eyes. It’s kind of funny that when I had her I never knew how much I needed her, and now that I need her most of all, she’s gone.
I doubt that she would even talk to me now, I treated her so badly before I ran out on her. I even raised my hand once, and that was about the time I decided that I had to go. I don’t think I ever would have hit her, but I was never prepared to take that chance.
Besides, during those last few months, after I found out that the Guardians were alive and well again, I was so angry. There was so much hate coming out of me that she went to bed every night scared for herself…and scared for me. I didn’t know it then. I know it now.
I tell myself that my leaving was for the best. Lita deserves to be happy. She deserves someone who’s normal, someone who’s not haunted or running, and I really hope she finds him.
No. I hope that somehow, someday, I can be him.
But I know that will never happen.
It's time to move on now and face the truth. Lita's gone. And I'm here, in Sector 8.
If you'd told me two years ago that I'd be a member of the highest ranking military faction on Puckworld, I would have said that you were insane. But, here I am, in covert Opps. No less. Almost makes me want to laugh, me, working for the military. But tough times call for tough measures I suppose. Besides the operatives here are nice enough… most of them anyway.
By all rights I should be dead, Hell, sometimes I wish I was. Sometimes I think being a corpse might be easier than remembering everything I’ve spent all these years trying to forget. Sometimes I want to grab a gun. Sometimes…